The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook: What I Learned from Chapter One
Although I’ve had it for years, I keep taking my copy of The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook
At any rate, I’ve been looking over the first chapter again. It provides lots of helpful reminders, such as a list of symptoms of anxiety attacks. Whenever I’m feeling truly horrible, I just refer to that list, and it helps to put things in perspective. The most comforting item on the list? “Heart Palpitations (rapid or irregular heartbeat). I’m not alone!
This chapter also gives a good definition of what agoraphobia is. People tend to think that someone with agoraphobia is someone who won’t leave their house, but that’s not true at all. Agoraphobic behavior can be as simple as avoiding the hairdresser’s chair because you feel as though you can’t leave. And often times, you can’t–unless you want seriously overbleached hair!
It goes over social phobia, which is something that I’m particularly interested in since I have been having it lately. And for no apparent reason! Four months ago I was one of the most social people you would ever have met! I digress.
This chapter has made me realize that panic disorder isn’t the only thing I struggle with. Generalized anxiety disorder is something I’ve had for years, and have generally tried to medicate in some way or another. “Feeling keyed up”? Yep, that’s me.
About the only thing I don’t have in Chapter One is OCD–Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’m surprised! I have left my hair straightener on all day before, though, and was not overly concerned, so I’ll cross that one off the list.
There is a handy dandy self-diagnosis questionnaire, along with exhaustive references, should you be like me and want to read every book on anxiety ever written. Thankfully, The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook
How Much Has Anxiety Cost You?
Today, I went to work in order to straighten some things out for the next person. I have to admit that after having that classroom for four years, I feel sad about leaving it. Getting better is a priority, though. Leaving this job did get me thinking about how anxiety has affected my bottom line over the past few years, though.
This isn’t the first time I’ve left a job due to anxiety and panic. I left a very stressful teaching job in Austin for the same reason. That time, the reason was actually the job, as opposed to this time, when the reason seems to be my body still being in a state of nervous exhaustion from my attempt to quit Zoloft and Ativan. At any rate, a job loss is a job loss.
Then there are the medical bills. Before I realized that I had a problem with anxiety that caused myriad physical symptoms, I had several medical tests done. I wore a holtor monitor at least three times in an effort to discover what was causing the heart palpitations. (I finally found out during one ER visit that they are harmless PACs and PVCs. If you ever feel your heart “skip a beat,” that’s what it is.)
I’ve had numerous doctor visits, three of which have taken place this month alone. I see a counselor, and have, on and off, for 20 years.
The big kicker, besides the loss of income from teaching, is the emergency room visits. My husband refers to them as the once a year freakout visits. I go when I have a panic attack that simply won’t stop, or when I’m afraid of the chest pain or palpitations. Even though I (usually) have insurance, the bill is usually about 1000 dollars.
At this point, I figure I have lost $50,000 to anxiety. If I had $50,000 right now, I could pay off my house. There’s no reason to have regrets, though. Perhaps it’s taken $50,000 to learn more about myself and the anxiety. And frankly, if I had to pay $50,000 more to get rid of this stuff, I would.
My day today: So far, so good. My heart is racing, but I chalk it up to PMS. I have pain in my shoulders and chest, but today if it persists, I’m going to take Tylenol and see if it goes away. I don’t feel stressed emotionally, and I’m planning on going to the gym.
Can Fibromyalgia Be Caused by Anxiety or Quitting Zoloft?
When I attempted to quit the Ativan, I started having a lot of pain in my body. Specifically, the pain was in my shoulders and chest. I get the pain when I am noticeably anxious, and sometimes when I’m not. For a while, the pain was making me stress out even more, because I was worried that I had lung cancer, pneumonia, you name it! I finally figured out that it was related to the anxiety, which is good, because I could have spent thousands having a bunch of tests done for no good reason.
Today, I’m having that pain. I’ve had it almost all day. Significantly, it started when I wrote about something that bothers me a lot in my journal. My day has been fantastic since then, but the pain pretty much persists.
I’m keeping track of my cycle. I should get my period in a couple of days, and for me, that’s a huge deal when it comes to the panic and anxiety stuff. I’m hoping that this is related to PMS, and that I don’t have something yukky like fibromyalgia, which all signs point to being caused by stress in many cases.
It turns out that stress can cause brain shrinkage in the frontal region. This leads to memory loss, which is, in my case most likely, exacerbated by Ativan use. Ativan is just awful for memory. Fortunately, you are supposed to be able to regenerate those neurons by meditating. I still don’t have the meditation thing down yet, though, not that I’ve been trying.
As far the Zoloft goes, so far, so good. I did wake up at 4:30 this morning, but was able to go back to sleep and had some fantastic vivid dreams. No yukky side effects. I’ve been divided my minuscule dose of .125 in half between morning and night. When I’m not so sensitive to it anymore, I’ll just take it in the morning.
Man, I wish I’d never quit the Zoloft. Hint: If you’ve taken it for years, perhaps you should just stay on it. If you’re not on it, you might not want to get on it, unless you don’t mind being in for the long haul.
Ativan Addiction
I’ve promised myself that I will write each day about my struggle with anxiety, panic and depression. I’m keeping track of things so that I can look for patterns and go with the things that work, and get rid of the things that don’t.
I wish I could get rid of Ativan. It doesn’t work as well as it used to. This latest episode of horrible anxiety started after I tried to cut down on it. I got back on my regular dose, and the anxiety persisted. So I have lots of days where I simply feel that I’m in withdrawal.
Just two days ago, I took 7 milligrams of Ativan (Lorazepam) and ended up in the ER. Not with overdose, but with a panic attack! All of the Ativan I took didn’t make a dent in it, although I was slurring my speech. Huh.
I got back on Zoloft, which I had stopped in May, which was a huge mistake. This is my second day on Zoloft again. Yesterday was fabulous. I even went out to eat with friends, and only had minimal anxiety. Today was great until about 5:30. I rode my bike with my family until I was exhausted. I felt good, albeit exhausted, until 5:30. Then I got the pain in my shoulders and the left side of my chest. It must be some wicked muscle tension! I realized that I was tense, and breathing shallowly. I took my usual 2 mg of Ativan.
My appetite has been way off, which thrills me, because I’ve lost another five pounds. I’m now down to 215. From 250, this is a very good thing.
I’ve been eating low-carb, but I’ve cheated twice in the past two days. Yesterday evening with a Mexican pastry, and today with a handful of croutons, which incidentally, made me wheeze.
I haven’t had the running to the bathroom thing for a couple of days, which is very nice. Not hardly any heart skipping PVC things, either, which had been a problem when trying to get back on Zoloft.
I’ve decided that ANY day I have without soooo much anxiety I will absolutely seize, and enjoy to the max. I’ve got to do something to make up for all the days laying in my bed feeling horrible.
The sunshine outdoors is beautiful.
